But Secretly He Wishes
by Vera
Summary: Sesshomaru vs. himself. Probably been done, but I wanted to share it anyway. R


Wow I haven't written in so long. Oh well. Anyway, I guess I should disown Inuyasha. So I disown it. Also, I might of stolen some lines from the show, so I apologize if they are infact the exact lines...sorry.  
  
If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, please read on. Thanks. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------  
  
But Secretly He Wishes  
  
And he walked on. He would walk forever, if he had to, until he found what he was looking for. At first he thinks he's searching for Inuyasha, to gain possession of the Tetsusaiga. Now he doesn't think that's all he's searching for. But what else could it be?  
  
Nothing. It couldn't be anything. Because all he needs is that sword. Yes, as soon as he has that sword, his life will be fulfilled. 'No it won't.' He stops and wonders why he just thought that. He concludes that he's just exhausted, from both lack of sleep and nourishment. 'Maybe I should eat him', Sesshomaru thinks, looking back at his frog-like follower. It amazes him that he's been quiet for so long, but he's mostly glad because his nasal voice drives him mad. But it would bother him not to have him around, he doesn't get into why. Sesshomaru knows why, but he's wrong. 'It's better to be alone' he convinces himself.  
  
He turns back around and starts walking again. "Is something wrong, me Lord?" Finally Jaken speaks up. Sesshomaru wishes he hadn't, because the question only makes him concentrate harder on the bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, letting him know it's more than just the Tetsusaiga he needs. So he doesn't answer. Suddenly it's not so silent anymore, the air is filled with nonsensical remarks and stupid questions, which make him angrier by the second.  
  
He turns around to yell, when there it is - his scent. The scent of that no good half-breed brother of his Inuyasha. He hates to be related to him, and would love to kill him. It's definetly not jealousy that boils his blood, no, it's the fact that he inherited the wrong sword. Yes, that's it. Of course it is. Why would he be jealous? Of what? Nothing.  
  
The brothers are nowhere near alike, and Sesshomaru is glad for that. 'I am not soft, nor shall I ever be', he thinks, scowling at the thought of being in love, or being loved, and being surrounded by people. Oh, how he would hate that. Just thinking about it makes that feeling in his gut stretch. He ignores it and jumps into battle.  
  
Sesshomaru sits under a tree. Severly injured and completely alone, he sits and contemplates how it is he always manages to lose. He knows the real reason why, but at the same time he doesn't, because that is not who he is. He is Sesshomaru, and that is Inuyasha. He decides to kill himself if he ever becomes soft. 'Then you should of done that a long time ago'.  
  
A scarlet aura of anger surrounds him. He's tired of those thoughts crossing his mind. He wonders if his friend is searching for him. Then suddenly five trees are pulled right out of the ground and up into the air, only to come back down. Now he's more than angry with himself. 'Friend?! Searching!? I HOPE THAT DAMN LIZARD NEVER COMES BACK!' he growls. Whatever was in the bush has run away.  
  
When he dreams he dreams of nothing. But when he wakes, the bush is moving again. "Come out before I kill you" he threatens . An eight year old girl with food and healing instruments from a near by village walks cautiously towards him. "You're wasting your time. I'm completely healed, and I don't eat human food". She frowns, then smiles, then leaves without the items she has brung. She leaves them with him, incase he changes his mind.  
  
She returns twice more over the present day and the following morning. When she returns, Sesshomaru is somewhat alarmed at the cuts on her arms and swollen face. "Who did that to you?". She doesn't answer. She is assumed to be mute. He learns later that she has no family. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to". She's smiling now. "I didn't say I cared, I was just wondering" he claims. She hasn't stopped smiling though.  
  
The next day she returns, she discovers he's gone. She keeps running, searching for him, she needs help. The wolves are gaining on her and she feels doomed. She is doomed. The wolves get her, but she finds herself thinking of the nice demon friend she had made yesterday.  
  
When Sesshomaru returns, he finds her bloody corpse laying on the trail. "Looks like wolves" the nasal- voiced Jaken says, insensitively. The lizard doesn't care, but he does. He pulls the Tenseiga into the air without hesitation and heals her. His follower is stunned. "Lord Sesshomaru?! But...why?". Sesshomaru just walks away. The girl stares, then follows. He realizes this and doesn't mind.  
  
That night he does dream, and when he dreams he dreams of her. She's smiling, which warms his heart. He lets it. Then she's running up to him, with her arms open wide, wanting to give him a hug. When she does, it makes him feel happy. He doesn't detest at all. The feeling in his stomach is gone.  
  
When he wakes, the feeling is still there. She did not hug him. He had not allowed it.  
  
But secretly he wishes he had.  
  
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I hope you liked it. Thanks for reading. 


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